Missing picture captioned “storing up all the happy thoughts and excitement to remember later.”
(I really hope that this is the hardest blog post I ever have to write.)
Well, this has been quite the tough week. Ok, screw it: this week has SUCKED. A LOT. Not only have I been in a fragile state of emotion and sanity dealing with Gramma’s passing, but after a series of late night tests, early morning ultrasounds and several doctors visits over the past few days, we found out that we have lost the baby.
Devastated.
Obviously, both of us are pretty heartbroken. Although the whole “we’re going to be parents” thing certainly wasn’t real yet for either of us, this sudden abrupt end has really been devastating. I am so grateful to have a job that allowed me a couple of days off so that I could hide out under a pile of blankets and pillows in bed and just watch a Star Trek TNG marathon while trying to get some sleep. Physically now, it seems like the worst is over, so the only thing that remains is sorting through all of this emotionally. Should be completely simple, right?
Logical part of me is endlessly grateful that it happened so early on – I can’t even imagine dealing with this after months more of anticipation and growing excitement. But logical part of me isn’t getting a lot of time in the conversation just yet.
It sucks. That’s pretty much where we’re at right now. Even if it was for the best, the big picture is a little bit hard to appreciate right now. Because we found out so early, we have had over a month to start adjusting our brains to the idea of parenthood and having a sweet little baby in our lives. There were plans and dreams and all sorts of hopes that have now been put on hold. Just for a little bit, mind you … But I worry that the giddy excitement we experienced this first time will never quite be the same.
There will be people who say we shouldn’t have shared our news so early, that we should have been more cautious, to avoid having to share such bad news so soon after. Well, I will not apologize for being excited about this. We were so thrilled to be expecting, and it seemed only natural to share our excitement with our friends and family. Particularly since this was to be a first grandchild on both sides of the family, we were just giddy to share the news with the new soon-to-be grandparents and aunts and uncles. Yes, next time we will more than likely be a bit more reserved in our celebrations, but it will, at least on my part, be mostly out of fear. And I really don’t like that. I don’t want to spend the first trimester in terror, hoping that nothing goes wrong. Having a child should be all about joy and expectation and blissful plans and dreams for the future. So I do not regret celebrating and rejoicing for every possible moment that I could. It was wonderful.
I am sorry that so many people now share in our sorrow. I really wish I did not have to bring you all this bad news. But as one of Paddy’s and my favourite science fiction writers states: “Shared pain is lessened, shared joy increased …” And our joy was exponentially increased in the sharing with our loved ones, so I can only hope that this pain, being shared with so many wonderful people, will be that much more bearable as well.
We do have one small request for you. At this point, neither of us is terribly excited about the idea of discussing this. We’re working through it as best as we can, and we will bring it up if/when we are ready, but until then, we’d really like life to continue in as normal a manner as possible. We do appreciate your sympathy – feel free to drop us notes in the comments or privately, but at this point we’re just not ready to talk much. Plus, I’m a suck (especially now), so visible sympathy will make me cry. Paddy is usually a lot better at this than I, but you have now been warned. 😉
love to you all.